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I'm Vania Stephanie Hosen, currently twenty-three. I suck at self-introduction, and even worse on self-explaining. See? Now you get what I mean. And oh, I speak fluent sarcasm.

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Wednesday, March 19, 2014 | 9:42 PM | 0 comments (+)

To write, to speak up what I feel and think of. You'll never know how hard they are for me to shout them out loud. You'll never know how great the effort I make to keep on writing.

I have never been so expressive my whole life. Coping with people's subjectivity scares me a lot. I'm scared to be exposed, to get into people's judgement, to be perceived negatively, and to be unloved.

On how I express myself, it always depends on who you are and which way I want you to perceive me. No, I am not being fake nor wearing any mask. That's not it. I'm just being careful on showing my true colors. Until lately, it is so bad until it reaches the phase that I blur out my shades a lot and play safe on the grey areas. To be bold, to stand on what I believe for, they still never fail to shake my legs off.

It still breaks me into cold sweat every single time to know that I fail to impress you. And that literally includes you, whom by chances might happen to stumble upon this post. I hope you now understand on why this kid tries too hard to cover up her flaws. She is having her own race with her own expectation. In fact, when she fails, the first worry that comes into her mind is that she fails to be impressive. That she fails to come on top. That she hates to finish on second.

But life never comes in beautiful and neat wrapping. It is sometimes so messy that it freaks me out to have my flaws exposed. The grey areas are being drenched and I have no other option but to give up my perfectionism. Above all things, the worst isn't coping against failure. Bottom lines are people's disappointment and the heartache that arises from failure to meet my own standard of satisfactory.

I will never stop to learn, though. To fight against my scars, to show my truest expression, I am aiming for that. But nothing good comes easy. I will surely shed tears. I will be broken into pieces and will have to glue myself back into shape. This will drag me to undergo on hardship. But I will be fine. I've got to be fine. People has to learn. Cause in some future time, I know impression won't feed me nor serve me happiness.

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